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I did it. That's all that I knew was for sure. I really did it. I couldn't change what I had done no matter how much I wanted to. I really actually did what I had done. I tried to thrust myself into a fantasy world where I could turn back the clock. It ceased to work however. The clock still leapt forward whether I tried to stop the hands from turning or not. I had done what I always vowed I would never do. I'm a little perfect angel. I never do anything wrong. But I guess I really did do it.
Figuratively speaking, I had taken a dagger and slashed my boyfriend's (Chris) heart into pieces. Wait! I meant EX-boyfriend. All it took was one night and a little stupidity. Wham! Once again I was single and not by choice this time. The devil came along disguised like some rebel hottie and got me into trouble. He was six feet tall with his dark brown hair shaved close to his head. His eyes were dark greenish blue and they lured you in with the power of some unexplained magnetic force. His miscellaneous tattoos and body piercings that were scattered all over his body only served to turn me on more. Take a little bit of lust and mix that with two bottles of Hooch Ice and a couple of shots of strawberry kiwi vodka. Ta-Dah! I give you a surefire recipe that will equal to you cheating on your boyfriend. There are side affects though denial, lying, and the endless shedding of tears. Then come the mood changes. Followed by the deterioration of your saneness. Afterwards the deep throbbing scars surface that never really go away. Never.
Chris was what most girls would indeed call perfect. He was 6 feet tall with short blond hair and a reddish blond goatee. His baby blue eyes made you melt at first sight. He was older and more experienced. At twenty-six years old he was a far jump from the normal guys I went out with. My parents weren't too happy about he being as old as he was and neither were most of my friends, only I didn't care. He had graduated college and was a very successful accountant at a large firm in Kansas City. In his spare time he raced cars, ones that he built with his dad, in races all over the Midwest.
We always got told that despite the age difference we were the exact male and female versions of each other. We managed always to make our time together interesting. Instead of going out on our planned dates we would find ourselves bailing on them. We'd find something in Chris's fridge to eat and would end up watching a movie together instead. While I was more interested in watching the WWE than the Indy 500 Chris made me do it anyways. Before I knew it every time a NASCAR race came on I was skipping the WWE SMACKDOWN to watch it.
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Chris made me realize that growing up wasn't an easy process and while I was just beginning it he was seemingly almost done. Chris warned me when we first started going out that he did some crazy stuff when he first started college and since I was just starting he knew I would be doing the same crazy stuff too. He said it was almost a risk to be going out with me at the time because he knew what went on at those frat parties because he had done most of it himself. I told him I could handle it. I promised him that night that I would never cheat on him. Something I've learned since then Never make a promise it CAN be broken.
The experience of cheating on Chris and going through the terrible break-up that followed has scarred me for life. It's like a deep penetrating wound that will never fade away. It's there permanently to remind me of what I did that fateful September night. I'll never forget the pain that Chris held in his eyes, the tears I shed after I told him, nor the emptiness I suddenly felt when he told me we were really over. The look in his eyes that he held for so long that night made me aware that I had not only broken his heart by what I had done, I had also broken mine. Chris made me aware that night that I had really hurt him. I had caused him to lose his trust in me as well as his desire to be with me at that moment. I still make myself cry whenever I think about what I did to him and to our relationship. There were countless nights where I cried myself to sleep because the pain was too great to remain inside me.
The rude awakening that followed my actions wasn't anything that I expected. I figured I would rebound and move on quickly. But the truth is I haven't and I can't. Not only have I found that I can't but also I won't let myself. Believe me I've tried. I go out on these dates that seem to be never-ending. They feel like an excursion to the torture chamber every time. After the torture ends my wound left by the break up only grows deeper as I realize what I no longer have. Why I allow myself to get set up or take guys up on their offers I don't know. I won't allow anything to come out of them in the first place and I deny myself the pleasure of a good time. So why waste my time I constantly wonder.
Amazingly, there are a lot of guys out there that have the desire to help me move on and say that they will be better for me than he ever was. I want to believe them but time after time I have come to the conclusion that no guy will ever be able to really replace him. As much as I want to move on I feel like I'm stuck in a pit in which I can't escape from. Something's holding me back.I'm guessing it's probably me. I won't let myself move on. Maybe because I know it's not over.
I didn't truly know what I had with him until I lost it. Only then did I realize not only was I in love with him but he was the One. I was sure and I still am. When it comes to matters of the heart and soul I strongly believe that you should go with you gut instinct. All my friends and relatives tell me I'm crazy. They tell me I am only eighteen and I know nothing about love. However, I refuse to listen to their negativity. I continue letting love reign my heart. There is nothing better in this life than to have someone you love say they love you back. At almost nineteen, I'm still sure that he is what I want and I am willing to fight for another chance. We still remain close friends and we both have agreed to work towards giving "us" another shot…eventually.
That night I learned more about myself than I ever known before. I learned that I had the ability to hurt someone. I never had done something so drastic like cheating on a boyfriend before and it made me really take a look at myself. I never had taken the time to realize that the human intent could be so selfish and harm someone in such a devastating way. I had always told myself that I would never cheat on a boyfriend. Up until that point I never had. I remember telling Chris when we first started going out that I would never cheat on him as some of his past girlfriends had. I longed to be different and to separate myself from them. Now I am no different from them. The realization of this fact hurts me to the very depths within me. I had always prided myself in being my own person and doing my own thing. Part of that was making the people I loved proud of me. Not only had some of my closest friends and relatives lost faith and pride in me, but also I had also definitely lost pride and faith in myself.
This experience has made me learn some of the most important lessons that I will ever learn in my lifetime. Not only do I know more about myself than I did before this incident happened but also I am continuing to learn more as time goes on. I don't ever intend to go through what I went through with Chris ever again. If we do give ourselves a second chance then so be it. If we don't succeed I will have to move on and believe that the right guy for me is out there somewhere waiting to be found
The experience of cheating on Chris and going through the terrible break-up that followed has scarred me for life. It's like a deep penetrating wound that will never fade away. It's there permanently to remind me of what I did that fateful September night. I'll never forget the pain that Chris held in his eyes, the tears I shed after I told him, nor the emptiness I suddenly felt when he told me we were really over. The look in his eyes that he held for so long that night made me aware that I had not only broken his heart by what I had done, I had also broken mine. Chris made me aware that night that I had really hurt him. I had caused him to lose his trust in me as well as his desire to be with me at that moment. I still make myself cry whenever I think about what I did to him and to our relationship. There were countless nights where I cried myself to sleep because the pain was too great to remain inside me.
The rude awakening that followed my actions wasn't anything that I expected. I figured I would rebound and move on quickly. But the truth is I haven't and I can't. Not only have I found that I can't but also I won't let myself. Believe me I've tried. I go out on these dates that seem to be never-ending. They feel like an excursion to the torture chamber every time. After the torture ends my wound left by the break up only grows deeper as I realize what I no longer have. Why I allow myself to get set up or take guys up on their offers I don't know. I won't allow anything to come out of them in the first place and I deny myself the pleasure of a good time. So why waste my time I constantly wonder.
Amazingly, there are a lot of guys out there that have the desire to help me move on and say that they will be better for me than he ever was. I want to believe them but time after time I have come to the conclusion that no guy will ever be able to really replace him. As much as I want to move on I feel like I'm stuck in a pit in which I can't escape from. Something's holding me back.I'm guessing it's probably me. I won't let myself move on. Maybe because I know it's not over.
I didn't truly know what I had with him until I lost it. Only then did I realize not only was I in love with him but he was the One. I was sure and I still am. When it comes to matters of the heart and soul I strongly believe that you should go with you gut instinct. All my friends and relatives tell me I'm crazy. They tell me I am only eighteen and I know nothing about love. However, I refuse to listen to their negativity. I continue letting love reign my heart. There is nothing better in this life than to have someone you love say they love you back. At almost nineteen, I'm still sure that he is what I want and I am willing to fight for another chance. We still remain close friends and we both have agreed to work towards giving "us" another shot…eventually.
That night I learned more about myself than I ever known before. I learned that I had the ability to hurt someone. I never had done something so drastic like cheating on a boyfriend before and it made me really take a look at myself. I never had taken the time to realize that the human intent could be so selfish and harm someone in such a devastating way. I had always told myself that I would never cheat on a boyfriend. Up until that point I never had. I remember telling Chris when we first started going out that I would never cheat on him as some of his past girlfriends had. I longed to be different and to separate myself from them. Now I am no different from them. The realization of this fact hurts me to the very depths within me. I had always prided myself in being my own person and doing my own thing. Part of that was making the people I loved proud of me. Not only had some of my closest friends and relatives lost faith and pride in me, but also I had also definitely lost pride and faith in myself.
This experience has made me learn some of the most important lessons that I will ever learn in my lifetime. Not only do I know more about myself than I did before this incident happened but also I am continuing to learn more as time goes on. I don't ever intend to go through what I went through with Chris ever again. If we do give ourselves a second chance then so be it. If we don't succeed I will have to move on and believe that the right guy for me is out there somewhere waiting to be found.
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